Today was the day. Today my baby girl started her first day of school. She has so many years ahead of her and so many new experiences to look forward to. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be letting her little hand go, although a huge part of me wanted to hold it forever. She left Baby and Babbette behind (I know, right?), didn’t shed one tear and gave an *I’m really excited to start school see ya later kind of bye to her Dad and me. She is growing up before our very eyes and it was apparently so today. Two and a half hours. That’s what I keep telling myself. In two and a half hours I will hear all about her first day of school.

Let me back up to yesterday because yesterday is certainly worth noting. Yesterday was kindergarten orientation. We met her teacher and some of the other parents and students while figuring our way about the classroom and school. After a little while we all met outside to where a bus would take our children for a quick ride around the block so they could get used to riding on it. While waiting for the bus to arrive, we saw a little kid running really fast and really far away from his Mom. Before we knew it, he was all the way in a baseball field.  I call him the “I’m out of here kid.” He obviously wanted nothing to do with a bus or school or any other kids.

Then there was the sad kid. I actually thought there would be a lot more upset and crying kindergartners than there were. As soon as all the kids were on the bus and the bus driver was about to shut the door, here comes the sad kid, tears streaming down his face, snot bubbles escaping from his nose at lightning speed. The poor kid was a mess. I wanted to hug him and wipe those snot boogies away and tell him that it might seem bad now, but it won’t always feel this way. We saw that same kid today outside of the kindergarten drop off hysterical again. Nina looked up at me and asked me why he was crying. I was afraid to tell her that he was scared and didn’t want to leave his Mommy because I thought she would take a cue from him and react in the same way. I decided to take the risk. I told her exactly that… that he was afraid. I told her she should go introduce herself and I could tell she wanted to because I could tell she didn’t want to see him cry. But Nina is a shy young lady (young lady?!) at first. She could not WAIT to get in that building. It filled my heart with such happiness to see how excited she was to start this new journey.

While walking back to my car, we saw the “I’m out of here kid” laying down in the middle of the parking lot throwing a fit. Richie and I just laughed. I feel like thanking the “I’m out of here kid” for making this experience a little less hard. Maybe I’ll thank his Mom tomorrow for raising such an entertaining child. Haha.

I Joined the PTO, signed up as a volunteer for sporting events and holiday parties and all that jazz. I’m ready! Let’s make some cupcakes and brownies and have sleepovers and drive the carpool (the carpool thing may be taking it a little too far…) and live to make our children happy. If we do that, we’ve done alright.

To my beautiful daughter Nina: You make me so proud. I couldn't be more proud of you than I was today when you walked inside that building with your head held high. You have the brightest future and we are so blessed to have you.

Your loving Mum

Time goes by so very fast. I would get down on my knees and beg and plead with it to slow down a bit if I knew it would listen. It seems like just yesterday my daughter Nina was born but in reality, it was five and a half years ago. Tomorrow she’ll be ten and the day after she’ll be fifteen and I’m just not ready for that yet.

I was watching videos of her when she was a baby yesterday. I watched a video of the first time she ate real food. Her eyes were so big I thought they were going to pop out of her little head and the amount of sweet potatoes on her face was probably even with the amount that went in her mouth. I watched a video of the first time she actually walked, which my brother somehow managed to get on tape. I watched a video of her going to the bathroom on her Elmo Potty and how proud of herself she was. I am so happy that I have all of these memories that I can relive. Watching them with her is even better. She laughs like a little maniac and tells me how funny she is. For a five year old, she’s pretty funny. About a month ago we were driving and the sky looked like it was going to unleash a storm of epic proportions. She said, “Mommy, the sky looks like it has to go potty real bad.” Maybe it was the way she said it, or maybe it was just her not trying to be funny and her total innocence; but I laughed so hard I had to pull over.

Nina is smart. She shows me how to work youtube and my cell phone. She speaks to me in Spanish (thanks Dora). She knows the wisdom of Martial Arts. She is counting and adding and reading like she’s in elementary school. She understands people and their feelings. I am boasting, that’s for sure; but I am amazed by this child every day.

My Daughter has this uncanny ability to make people feel better. She can sense when something is wrong, whether it be one of her friends or one of her family members. She goes above and beyond trying to help people to be happy. Not too long ago I dropped a dish on my toe which ended in a lot of blood, some screaming, and a broken appendage. Nina ran over to me on her little tippy toes which she has been doing since she could walk, put her arms around me and said, “Come on Mommy… I’ll take care of you.” She got a chair, dragged it over to the refrigerator, climbed on top of it and got me an ice pack from the freezer. Then she got a pillow and a blanket and put it on the couch and very calmly told me to lay down, put my foot up and relax. I didn’t feel like I was being helped by a five year old little girl. I felt like I was being helped by the most caring and selfless nurse I have ever met. Nina is so wise, certainly beyond her years and that amazes me too.

Yesterday, Nina’s friend came over to play. They were out on the deck blowing bubbles. Her friend asked if she could do it and Nina immediately handed it over to her, no questions asked, no snotty looks. Nina sent her home with her favorite monkey doll which emulates a real monkey and is actually kind of creepy. She remembered her friend telling her that she saw the commercial for it and really wanted one. She was going to let her have it before I intervened and said how about she just borrows it. That was good enough for them. Nina is a giver. That’s not something that will ever ago away. That’s how she was born and her altruistic nature will never falter. I just hope as she gets older, people don’t take advantage of her kindness. I know just how awful that feels and it would feel even more awful if I had to see her go through that. Maybe it’s a genetic flaw, but some people in our family have always had a difficult time standing up for themselves. I pray Nina is the opposite. Somehow I know she will be stronger than her Mom. After all, our children are supposed to be better versions of us, right?

To be continued my love. I'm sorry I haven't written in here as much as I should be. 

Your loving Mum

School

My darling little girl started school yesterday. Even though I work in the same building, she was so nervous. I felt it in the way she grabbed me when I was about to walk out of her classroom. She had the most frightened look in her eyes. She is a professional faker these days so I couldn't tell at first if she was faking it or not. The moment I realized she wasn't was when she set up her tiny, yellow chair in the hallway between my classroom and the classroom she was in and sat there crying until I noticed she was there. My heart broke a little. I knelt down and she clung to me as if an asteroid was hurdling towards earth and we were all about to be vaporized. There was no consoling her. Even though I am always nearby, being in a classroom setting with an authoritative figure she has never met before was nerve-wracking for her to say the least. I know she'll get used to it, but it still made me feel for her. She spent a lot of time when the children were napping in my classroom (she hasn't napped in a long, long, LONG time) and I read her books and held her close. Then when the kids in her class woke up, she met a friend named Gabby and I didn't let her notice me for the rest of the day. Of course I went to check on her, but I hid. It made me the happiest Mom in the world to see her playing so nicely and having so much fun. I want her to get used to school and it's the perfect set up. I am there too. What more could I ask for?

Unfortunately after her first day, she acquired an ear infection. I didn't think it would happen that fast. May her body continue to build immunity! ;)

Pictures to follow. Google images is being a turd right now.



Renee

Time

My dearest Nina,

The time is going by oh so fast. You are growing up before my very eyes and I couldn't ask for a more beautiful, funny, kind, and sweet daughter. You turned four on Christmas Eve and I can remember giving birth to you like it was yesterday. I called you my little "creepy baby" because you had a full head of hair. And well, that's creepy. We've gone through so much in four years. We actually now have a place that we're not going to move out of for a VERY long time. We have a beautiful dog, a beautiful home, and a beautiful life together. That is ALL I can ask for in this life. Since I stink at writing in this, I'm going to update this with lots of pictures for you. You have my heart my little Bella Luna. 

Mummy

You have a puppy you love, you sing like an angel, and you are a caring and loving friend. God blessed me with you my sweet girl. 

Oh the things that you do Nina.

Funny, cute, amazing, annoying, wonderful things you do and say my dearest Nina:

1. Instead of saying download you say "load down." "Moooommmmyyyyyy... can you load down a new game for me on your phone please?" Unbelievably adorable.

2. You yell from the bathroom every time you poop, "MOOOMMMMYY!!! CAN YOU COME WIPE MY BUTT BECAUSE I JUST POOPIED AND I NEED YOU TO WIPE MY BUTT!!!"

3. You growl. I mean legitimately growl. You sound scary and I want to run away and hide in the closet. I wish you would stop. I feel like you're possessed every time you look at me and GROWL!

4. You have the most vivid imagination. Listening to you go back and forth with your stuffed animals is priceless. You're always so sweet and loving to them. You act like a mediator between your arguing teddy bears saying, "Don't fight. Just kiss and love each other and everything will be all better!" God, you melt me like a stick of butter.

5. You put stickers on my "booboos" and then you kiss them.

6. You point to an invisible sign in your bedroom and follow the wall with your finger and say, "See this sign Mom? It says no Mommies allowed in my bedroom." It's beyond hysterical, but I can definitely wait for the coming years that will be filled with insane amounts of attitude!

7. You tell me I'm your best friend. You asked me to go over the little bridge with you in the toddler play area of the Freehold mall. I said I'm too big for that bridge. You said, "but Mommy... you're my best friends and this is what best friends do." You bet your little tushy I got up and went over that bridge with you more times than I can count on both fingers and toes. That's it Nina. Manipulate me with your cuteness!

8. You ask me to sing every night. Sometimes you fall asleep to it and sometimes you get a third, fourth, and fifth wind and stay up until midnight. Ha. The other night you were so scared. You said you were afraid of the dark. So I laid in bed with you and sang the song I sang to you when you were inside of me. Smile when your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by. If you just smile through your fears and sorrows, smile... and maybe tomorrow, you'll see that life's worthwhile..... if you just smile. You fell asleep in my arms like you used to. I cherish the few and far between times where you actually fall asleep in my arms. I know you won't do that forever my love. I wonder what that must feel like as a Mother. To let your child go like that because they don't need to hold on to you anymore. Does it hurt? I hope not. I could never imagine not holding you. You're like a little piece of heaven. I hope you always let me hold you.

9. You say FUNNY FUNNY things. Like, "Mommy... I have to tell you a secret......    Ryan poops in trees." Just out of the blue, silly little things that make me laugh so hard it hurts. Or you'll tell me how beautiful I am but say I need to change my shoes or my shirt because you don't like that. Or my personal favorite, "Mommy... you have BOOOOOOOBIES," while you poke them. Then I tell you that I do, in fact, have boobies and I tell you that you DON'T have boobies and you lift up your shirt and say, "Yes I do, they're just really little."

10. When you find something really funny, you laugh so hard that you get the hiccups. This has been happening since you were born. It's amazing.

11. You like the music you like now. You love Foster the People. They're a great band and we've gotten over listening to the Pumped up Kicks 597,000 times. You actually like the rest of the album and you know the words! It's amazing to look at you in my rear view mirror and watch you bob your head and sing along. Can I say adorable again? ADORABLE.

12. Sometimes you take your little hand and touch my face and tell me I'm beautiful.  I'm only beautiful because of you my darling.

13. If you hear me say shut up or anything along those lines, you always say, "Mom, that's a bad word!" The way you talk and the expression on your face is etched in my memory forever. When you go with Daddy, I relive all of these moments inside and I smile. You always ask me if I miss you when you go away. The answer is always yes. I miss you every minute that you aren't with me.


There are things that I will add to this list over time. I never want to forget. I want to take every moment and store them all away so that one day I can open up that door and relive them with you. I imagine us drinking a bottle of wine and laughing watching all the videos from when you were a child. I imagine your little girl playing at our feet while we reminisce. I told you this before but I will never stop saying it: I love you more than anything in this world. You have made me who I am today. Who knows what state or country I would be living in or what I would be doing if you didn't come in to this world. You'll forever have my heart my little mini me.


Love,
Mum

My lovely, budding girl.

My darling little Nina,

It's the end of May now. I really need to get back on top of my game with this blogging thing! Since September, we have gone through many changes. You, always by my side, is what has kept me going. I wouldn't say we have the ideal situation when it comes to where we live and how much money is coming in, but we have each other; and that is totally enough for me. It won't always be like this though. We are both happy where we are for now! As long as you're happy, I am! I am graduating from college in September and am pursuing a career in marketing/sales. Very much different than what I saw myself doing five years ago, but what has lead me to this place is fate and I wouldn't have it any other way. Being as successful as I can be as a single Mother is my goal. You deserve a good life and I never want you to go without. Unfortunately it is hard in NJ to make it alone; but I will continue to try my damnedest to ensure your happiness.

Someone recently told me that I changed after I had you. They went on to tell me about the person I used to be as opposed to the person I am now and how that person didn't change when they had a child. I told this person that I did, in fact, change. I told them that I am no longer concerned with what I want and need, but rather what you want and need. I told them that I put my dreams aside so that you can have a beautiful life and fulfill yours. After all, isn't that what being a parent is all about? Apparently this person thinks it's okay to continue living for themselves and not their child. To each their own little dove. Just know how very much I love you. Whether I end up a single woman forever or marry a wonderful man (or woman... that's allowed now you know..), I will always think of what is best for you.

So, you have grown in to quite the little specimen. Three years old is definitely not as easy as two was. I am really not quite sure why they say that it's the "terrible two's" when it should be the "terrible three's." As sweet and loving as you are, you have a temperamental and difficult side. It's been a full time job in itself trying to figure out how to reprimand you when you don't listen.Sometimes I have to close my eyes and count to ten and just breeeeeaaaaaattthhhhheeee. I tell you you're driving me crazy and your response is, "but you're not driving Mommy."

You are QUITE the actress. I can't stress that enough. You have this innate ability to make tears, even when you're totally faking it. It really is a gift. You bring your lower lip down so low that it almost looks like you're having a stroke, your eyes fill up with tears, and you sniffle and look up at me as if I'm going to actually yell at you when you look like that. The manipulation has begun at three. Lord help me!

Here is a list of things you have accomplished and/or the devious things you have learned how to do since I last wrote to you:

1. You know your letters. You know all of your letters! Sometimes though, when you're feeling lazy,  you tell me that a p is a q or a b is a d or a g is an l. You do it on purpose because you know it makes me mad. Which brings me to your next accomplishment...

2. You know how to push my buttons. And I don't mean Mommy has buttons on her body that Nina literally pushes, I mean you know how to get Mommy upset. The greatest part is, is that you think it's funny. EVERYONE that knows me well pushes my buttons and they laugh at me when I get upset. Not even my three year old takes my negative feelings seriously. Great! ;) The other day you were screaming, "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!!!" At this point, I was frazzled and I responded with a snarky, "WWHHHHAATTT!" You just started giggling evilly. I couldn't help but laugh.

3. You WRITE your letters. You can't write all of them but you do have a special preference for H, I, Q, and O. You love writing "HI." You write it and you ask me every time, "Mommy, does that say HI?" You're the cutest.

4. When I tell you that you can't have something, you go and ask someone else. When they ask you if Mommy said it was okay, you always reply, "yes."

5. You started lying. Which is totally a normal thing. Once a child understands that they can say something other than the truth to avoid getting in trouble or get what they want, it's on! We were playing with sidewalk chalk outside the other day and you were on the other side of my car for a while. I asked you what you were doing and you quickly replied, "nothing!" I started walking over to the other side of the car and you were pleading with me to stay where I was. At this point, I knew you had chalked up my black car. I continued around the side and saw Nina's masterpiece. You looked up at me and said, "I didn't do that." I had to turn around to laugh before scolding you. You see, you know better.

6. You eat other things now besides chicken nuggets, french fries, fruit, and hot dogs. I have successfully gotten you to eat cauliflower, sandwiches (all kinds), mozzarella sticks, and PIZZA! Something you always said you didn't like but never tried. Now you love them. You're growing little munchkin. You're 32 lbs and 39" tall. I wish I could just hit a pause button and you can stay young and pure forever.

I know there are so many more things and I will continue to jot them down and then put them in here for you to read, but one thing has never changed from the moment you were born. You have the most loving heart. You care so much about everyone and everything. I was kind of hoping you wouldn't be as sensitive as me but it's there. I just hope you don't show weakness in life. When you show weakness, people pray upon it and they will hurt you. I have been hurt many times, but never once have I hurt my family or friends. I wish I could say the same for my boyfriends, and looking back I wish I didn't. You're not always going to be good. And that's okay baby. Everyone makes mistakes.

I love seeing you smile and happy. I love listening to your imaginative stories. I love the person you are becoming. If I only ever have you as a child, my life will be complete. You're my daughter and my best friend. It's not always going to feel like we're friends, especially when you get older. If you are anything like how I was when I was a teenager, I'm in for it! Your Mémère and me are best friends now. We weren't always in my younger years, but I couldn't imagine my life without her. We used to fight like crazy! One day though, in our own dysfunctional way, we became friends. I believe I was 17. She made me so mad that I called her a bad word. I immediately regretted this until she responded with, "oh yeah? Well, you're a (insert another bad word here)." We both started laughing and it broke the ice. From that day forward, we remained as close as we are today. Whenever one of us got angry with each other, we just called each other a despicable name and started laughing. Yes, totally dysfunctional but awesome.

Stay young Nina. Want to stay young. Growing up isn't easy and once you're older, you wish you could go back. I promise I'll make your childhood a memorable one.


Love you always,


Mum

My God you are getting so big. You look like you're five in this picture. Slow down!

My beautiful angel.

September Again

Well, it's been a long time since I wrote in here my sweet little one. Your Mommy is a very silly girl sometimes. I constantly try and make everyone happy and then when I'm crashing and burning I realize that I can't continue to make everyone happy if I am not okay. You make me okay pumpkin. Your face, your voice, your laugh.. it all just perks me up again. I love you with all my heart and I will do anything in this world for you. I want to be the best Mom I can be. Somehow I know when I get that piece of paper and really start diving in to this company, I'll be able to afford living in NJ a little bit more. Your Mommy= college graduate and entrepreneur. Business woman by day, ruler of all things Mommy and singing at night! But for real, I want to put some roots down with you baby. I want you to go to school in the same town until you are old enough to decide where you want to be in life. I want to give you stability and comfort forever. I want you to look up to me and not follow in my footsteps. I always thought I would make a better, stronger, more bad ass version of myself. That is you Nina Bean. Don't fall in love so easily, don't try and save the world, and don't be so sensitive. PLEASE!

It's hard to believe you will be three years old on Christmas Eve. Where does the time go? I remember when you were born so clearly. You have grown up so fast. You have quite the personality on you too! The things that come out of your mouth are precious. Every night I put you in bed, give you some milk, and lay with you. I read you a book and then turn one of your DVD's on, usually Thomas, and watch you. When I go to get up, you wrap your little arms around me so tight and you say, "Don't go Mommy.. I want you." Oh my heart! You are also now getting to the "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME" stage as well. I can't wait until you're three (well, I can really) so I can put you in some activities I think you would enjoy. You love dancing so maybe ballet? Some sort of dance anyway. I definitely want you to play soccer because every little toddler running around with matching uniforms like mad not knowing what the hell they're doing is the funniest thing on the planet. Of course you will be REQUIRED to play piano. I'm sorry baby girl. It's the only thing I am going to demand you learn.

I already know you're a musician too. Just by the way you watch me play guitar. You go in to a trance and can sit there for hours listening and wanting to play. It's so rewarding to me to see you love music so much. You sing like a little angel already. I forget your little brain is like a sponge. I sing Ave Maria to you in Latin. It was my Memere's favorite song. Now when I sing it to you, you sing it with me. You know almost all of the words and how the melody goes. It's amazing to me my little one. Anyway, I just want you to know how very much I love you and how badly I want to do right by you. Sometimes I just wish we could turn back the hands of time and your Daddy, you, and me could all be happy together like it's supposed to be. Regardless if we are together or not, we both love you like mad and you will always be our number one. Until next blog my mini me.


Love,
Mum