It's the end of May now. I really need to get back on top of my game with this blogging thing! Since September, we have gone through many changes. You, always by my side, is what has kept me going. I wouldn't say we have the ideal situation when it comes to where we live and how much money is coming in, but we have each other; and that is totally enough for me. It won't always be like this though. We are both happy where we are for now! As long as you're happy, I am! I am graduating from college in September and am pursuing a career in marketing/sales. Very much different than what I saw myself doing five years ago, but what has lead me to this place is fate and I wouldn't have it any other way. Being as successful as I can be as a single Mother is my goal. You deserve a good life and I never want you to go without. Unfortunately it is hard in NJ to make it alone; but I will continue to try my damnedest to ensure your happiness.
Someone recently told me that I changed after I had you. They went on to tell me about the person I used to be as opposed to the person I am now and how that person didn't change when they had a child. I told this person that I did, in fact, change. I told them that I am no longer concerned with what I want and need, but rather what you want and need. I told them that I put my dreams aside so that you can have a beautiful life and fulfill yours. After all, isn't that what being a parent is all about? Apparently this person thinks it's okay to continue living for themselves and not their child. To each their own little dove. Just know how very much I love you. Whether I end up a single woman forever or marry a wonderful man (or woman... that's allowed now you know..), I will always think of what is best for you.
So, you have grown in to quite the little specimen. Three years old is definitely not as easy as two was. I am really not quite sure why they say that it's the "terrible two's" when it should be the "terrible three's." As sweet and loving as you are, you have a temperamental and difficult side. It's been a full time job in itself trying to figure out how to reprimand you when you don't listen.Sometimes I have to close my eyes and count to ten and just breeeeeaaaaaattthhhhheeee. I tell you you're driving me crazy and your response is, "but you're not driving Mommy."
You are QUITE the actress. I can't stress that enough. You have this innate ability to make tears, even when you're totally faking it. It really is a gift. You bring your lower lip down so low that it almost looks like you're having a stroke, your eyes fill up with tears, and you sniffle and look up at me as if I'm going to actually yell at you when you look like that. The manipulation has begun at three. Lord help me!
Here is a list of things you have accomplished and/or the devious things you have learned how to do since I last wrote to you:
1. You know your letters. You know all of your letters! Sometimes though, when you're feeling lazy, you tell me that a p is a q or a b is a d or a g is an l. You do it on purpose because you know it makes me mad. Which brings me to your next accomplishment...
2. You know how to push my buttons. And I don't mean Mommy has buttons on her body that Nina literally pushes, I mean you know how to get Mommy upset. The greatest part is, is that you think it's funny. EVERYONE that knows me well pushes my buttons and they laugh at me when I get upset. Not even my three year old takes my negative feelings seriously. Great! ;) The other day you were screaming, "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!!!" At this point, I was frazzled and I responded with a snarky, "WWHHHHAATTT!" You just started giggling evilly. I couldn't help but laugh.
3. You WRITE your letters. You can't write all of them but you do have a special preference for H, I, Q, and O. You love writing "HI." You write it and you ask me every time, "Mommy, does that say HI?" You're the cutest.
4. When I tell you that you can't have something, you go and ask someone else. When they ask you if Mommy said it was okay, you always reply, "yes."
5. You started lying. Which is totally a normal thing. Once a child understands that they can say something other than the truth to avoid getting in trouble or get what they want, it's on! We were playing with sidewalk chalk outside the other day and you were on the other side of my car for a while. I asked you what you were doing and you quickly replied, "nothing!" I started walking over to the other side of the car and you were pleading with me to stay where I was. At this point, I knew you had chalked up my black car. I continued around the side and saw Nina's masterpiece. You looked up at me and said, "I didn't do that." I had to turn around to laugh before scolding you. You see, you know better.
6. You eat other things now besides chicken nuggets, french fries, fruit, and hot dogs. I have successfully gotten you to eat cauliflower, sandwiches (all kinds), mozzarella sticks, and PIZZA! Something you always said you didn't like but never tried. Now you love them. You're growing little munchkin. You're 32 lbs and 39" tall. I wish I could just hit a pause button and you can stay young and pure forever.
I know there are so many more things and I will continue to jot them down and then put them in here for you to read, but one thing has never changed from the moment you were born. You have the most loving heart. You care so much about everyone and everything. I was kind of hoping you wouldn't be as sensitive as me but it's there. I just hope you don't show weakness in life. When you show weakness, people pray upon it and they will hurt you. I have been hurt many times, but never once have I hurt my family or friends. I wish I could say the same for my boyfriends, and looking back I wish I didn't. You're not always going to be good. And that's okay baby. Everyone makes mistakes.
I love seeing you smile and happy. I love listening to your imaginative stories. I love the person you are becoming. If I only ever have you as a child, my life will be complete. You're my daughter and my best friend. It's not always going to feel like we're friends, especially when you get older. If you are anything like how I was when I was a teenager, I'm in for it! Your Mémère and me are best friends now. We weren't always in my younger years, but I couldn't imagine my life without her. We used to fight like crazy! One day though, in our own dysfunctional way, we became friends. I believe I was 17. She made me so mad that I called her a bad word. I immediately regretted this until she responded with, "oh yeah? Well, you're a (insert another bad word here)." We both started laughing and it broke the ice. From that day forward, we remained as close as we are today. Whenever one of us got angry with each other, we just called each other a despicable name and started laughing. Yes, totally dysfunctional but awesome.
Stay young Nina. Want to stay young. Growing up isn't easy and once you're older, you wish you could go back. I promise I'll make your childhood a memorable one.
Love you always,
Mum
